God's Wisdom: Sex and Marriage
Sermon Review
29 June 2003
(1 Cor 7:1-9)

Introduction:
Marriage can be as wonderful as God intended if partners remembered that quality takes time and effort over the long haul. For example, I was reading recently of a couple had been married for fifty years. "Things have really changed," the wife said. "You used to sit very close to me." "Well, I can remedy that," her husband said, moving next to her on the couch. "And you used to hold me tight." "How's this?" he asked as he gave her a hug. "Do you remember you used to nudge my neck and nibble on my ear lobes?" He jumped to his feet and left the room. "Where are you going?" "I'll be right back," he said. "I've got to get my teeth!" There is no such thing as automatic success in marriage, including in the area of sex. It too needs much effort and work to be an ongoing pleasurable and beautiful part of the marriage relationship, as God intended. In saying this, I would like to talk about sex in marriage this morning, not out of the blue, but as a follow up to a recent message considering God's Wisdom in directing people, especially his children, that sex be reserved for marriage. In particular I would like to take us back to one of the passages I used before, as I am sure it both reassures and disturbs you as much as me 1Cor.7:1-9. After Easter I would like to look at the topic of dating so it is easier for people to keep sex for marriage, and have a better chance of enjoying sex after they are married. I was hoping to combine both today, but found it impossible.

From the reading, it would appear that there had been some concern amongst the Corinthians as to whether or not a person should remain single and go without sex cf. v1: 'it is good for a man a woman not to touch, but...' In answering, Paul says that it is okay, perhaps even commendable, but it is also just as good for a person to marry and have sex for 4 reasons: because of the immoral Corinthian Society, the power of temptation, limitations of self-control, and because not all have the gift of celibacy as he had. Now this is reassuring, for it reveals divine awareness of the power of society to apply pressure on individuals and groups to embrace its immoral values and practices, the struggles of being single, the power of temptation and Satanic use of it, the reality of poor self-control, and the fact that God does not wire up or gift all to remain single. I also take from this that the sex drive is powerful, normal, and okay. That sex is not dirty or perverted, or something to hide and flinch about when raised in conversation. That humans, male and female, are sexual beings, and therefore sexual feelings and thoughts are normal; and wishing to have sex is normal, though it is only in marriage these feelings are to be satisfied. That reassures me for it trashes any popular ideas that the Bible teaches unhealthy ideas about sex, or that Christians aren't supposed to enjoy sex as a wonderful part of being married and being human.

Areas of Concern
In this passage Paul makes clear that within marriage both have a responsibility to care for their partners sexual needs, and in doing so he uses the terms 'authority' and 'debt' v3,4. That is, both husband and wife are in sexual debt to each other, and have exercise authority over each other to ensure that this debt is continually paid off. What worries me is that this has been applied by some as a divine and selfish right to demand sex from their marriage partners irrespective of choice, consent or circumstance. Having been witness to a next-door neighbour raping his wife when I was a child, come across women whose husbands have used this passage to force them to comply sexually, and often deviantly since, and knowing that our current laws view this as a criminal act, I find it hard to believe that this is what Paul intended. I wonder what you think?

Points to Consider:
Firstly, it needs to be said that none of this is couched in terms of a command. It is wise or good to get married, not commanded cf.v6. Secondly, the interlinear translates 'should' as 'let the husband pay the debt to his wife and likewise the wife'. 'Let' is not 'must'. Thirdly, each does not lose all authority over their own bodies eg. '…body does not belong to him/her alone'. They are not totally their partners. Fourthly, if it takes mutual consent to abstain, something Paul goes on to say, there exists the implication that mutual consent to engage sexually is also present.

It seems to me that as Paul is not issuing commands, and seems to speaking primarily to those not yet married, he is making clear that singles are to think beyond just their own sexual needs when considering marriage. It is not a one-sided selfish relationship, and so they need to be willing to take their partner's sexual needs equally as seriously as their own. In order to establish the importance of this, he uses the concepts of 'equal debt' and 'equal authority'. He is making clear that whether male or female, it is fine to have your sexual needs met in marriage, but not just yours alone. 'Debt' and 'Authority' are deliberately used to highlight the wisdom and the importance of meeting our marriage partners sexual needs as well as our own, not as a command, not to support some divine right of demand, but as being 'a good' or 'wise' thing to do. Additionally, when comparing scripture with scripture we see that Paul taught a husband was to love his wife as he loves himself, and as Christ loved the Church, alongside the revelation that love does not demand it's own way Eph.5; 1Cor.13:4-6. If you were the husband, would you like being forced to do something against your own will? I don't think so. Paul also taught that a wife is to respect her husband. How can you respect someone who physically, mentally, or emotionally forces you to have sex with them? To sum up, Paul is not commanding but highlighting the need and the wisdom of meeting the sexual needs of both partners within marriage, and that in fact it is unwise to put satisfying these needs aside for long, even for prayer! And, outside of this text, such needs are to be met in ways that love and respect can flourish.

Life and Relationships
So what does all this mean? The obvious is that meeting our marriage partner's sexual needs is an important marriage priority. This means that the onus is on both partners to work quickly and hard at resolving related problems. Further more, with force exported out and love and respect imported into the equation, sensitivity, thoughtful care, concern, and most of all, good communication are required. Why? To begin with, apart from anything said so far, experience and research demonstrate that there are some general and important differences between male and females, apart from physical looks. What sexually arouses a man and a woman often differs, as does the sense of urgency and goals associated with sex. Further more, each individual fits these general differences either more or less, depending on their background, personality, and physiological inheritance.

To increase the difficulties, probably no individual escapes sexual scarring as they grow up, whether through ignorance, abuse or misuse of ones sexual self prior to marriage, or through bad modelling and unhealthy sexual propaganda. Equally as important is the fact that there are often good medical, physical, hormonal and cyclical or seasonal problems of either a temporary or permanent nature, that complicate things by making sex difficult or impossible for either or both marriage partners. Things like menstruation or menopause, or pregnancy, fatigue, unavoidable separations, sickness, physical inheritance or disabilities, to name a few. As well as times of low or no felt sexual need, personal tensions, lack of romance, parenting problems or work pressure, or a thousand other things which make their presence felt. So much sensitive communication is needed to successfully negotiate through such things.

Arguably, the greatest aid towards applying Paul's directions, and finding sex in marriage as something as wonderful as God intended, is to learn to bring into the open your deepest feelings, fears, and failings, and to listen carefully, sensitively, and compassionately to your life partner.

Conclusion:
It is good for a person to be single, thought it is also good for a person to be married, and once married to have their own, and their partners sexual needs met, lovingly and respectfully, especially in light of the fact that social sexual pressure, temptation and limits to our self-control, are facts of life. This means that those married should take the initiative and work through related problems so they can avoid the potential failure of their marriage, and open up the way for a rich fulfilling sexual relationship with their marriage partner. Perhaps this might require counselling, perhaps not, but either way it will require learning how to communicate - something that is not the easiest thing to learn. Eg. One evening a man and his wife called another couple to see what they were doing. "Oh," said the other wife, "we're just drinking coffee and talking." As she hung up the phone, she demanded, "Why don't we ever do that? They're just drinking coffee and talking." Her husband said, "So make a pot of coffee." They sat with their freshly brewed coffee, just staring at each other in silence. Finally the man said, "Well, call them back and find out what they're talking about." For those who are single, it means that recognizing satisfying their future partner's sexual needs is just as important as finding their own needs met, and will require time, effort, and good communication - but it is worth it. God has designed sex, not as something dirty or as a duty to perform, but his wonderful way of helping to protect from misuse and abuse outside of marriage, and to contribute to the meeting of some of our deepest human needs, as well as increasing the human race by bringing into both existence and experience, his gift of children and the family.

Blessings

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