God's Wisdom: Making Marriage Work
Sermon Review
15 June 2003
(Gen 2:18-25)

Introduction:
Marriage failure is a tremendous problem in our society. In Australia, the 1996 ABS figures showed that in that year, 109,386 couples married. During that same period, 49,666 couples divorced or separated. This means that 4 out of every 10 marriages fail. Of the other 6, research has found that 4 continue with very little quality and satisfaction, and only 1 or 2 actually report a close, loving, and fulfilling marriage relationship (p.9). These figures include both Christian and non-Christian couples. This is sad, and immediately raises a question. Why do marriages fail, both for Christians and non-Christians? I am silly enough to suggest that the high marriage failure rate is because God set the ground rules for marriage at creation, and when these are ignored, the marriage relationship, whether between 'Christians' or 'non-Christians', fails. In Genesis the cloning of Eve from Adam's rib indicates that men and woman have a divinely designed bond. 'Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh', Adam spontaneously exclaimed at the sight of Eve. This says it all. Men and woman have a natural bond which marriage is intended to bring into being. As it says, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh'. This is where many marriages go wrong, both 'Christian' and 'Non-Christian'. Couples simply do not come to grips with what it means to leave, cleave, and become one. Consequently the beauty of a divinely designed deep and natural bond with their spouses that storm-proofs the relationship, is never found.

Leaving
With respect to leaving, the more obvious issues relate to family of origin, and singleness. The marriage relationship is to take precedence over concern for ties with families of origin. It highlights the need for a break to be made away from the parental circle and a new independent relationship established. The presumption is that this is a requirement for both parties. Although the bride's relationship with her own parents is not mentioned, the impression is clearly given of her being free from her family of origin, and able to be united with her husband to be. Sadly, some partners never do. They are forever concerned about what their parents might want, think, or be offended by. At some significant level, they crave their parent's acceptance and approval, and are unable to build a healthy independence from their parents. Or they never deal with hidden messages about their worth, abilities, intelligence etc., they have inherited. Or been able to sift through inherited family wisdom, traditions, and modelling. The impact of the family of origin is quite extensive, and a lot of 'leaving' is often necessary. On the other hand, some parents also fall into the trap of not allowing their children to 'leave', and are forever trying to institute their wishes and authority over them by overt or subtle ways. These are some of the reasons I advise people not to live with their 'in-laws' unless absolutely necessary, and then only for a short time. Both sides need to have time and space to think through and work out changes in their relationships with each other.

This passage also highlights the necessity to leave behind their singleness, otherwise they run the risk of becoming married singles - people whose life changes little apart from the obvious. Cliff Powel et al puts it this way. Many 'like the idea of being married, of having sexual and emotional needs met by a spouse and of feeling valued by that person. What they don't so much like is the idea of learning to set aside their own needs, preferences, and wishes in order to acknowledge or meet their spouses needs.' It is hard to learn that your life is no longer your own, once you are married. Many find it difficult to keep in mind that all their planning needs to take into consideration the wishes, needs, and preferences of their partner. That they are now accountable to each other. Instead they try to adjust the marriage to meet their own needs and wants, and wonder why the marriage is failing.

The bottom line is that leaving home is difficult, and although it obviously involves dealing with family of origin issues, and singleness, it also extends itself across the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual areas, as well as other practical areas like finances. So leaving requires constant application. It is not a simple once for all act. But marriage needs to begin with a determination to take the call to 'leave' seriously, so that the exquisiteness and power of the natural bond between yourself and your spouse can be built, discovered, and experienced.

Cleaving
The hebrew word, to cleave means to become personally attached. To be, and to also remain personally attached, requires long term commitment. This commitment includes being faithful sexually, for sexual unfaithfulness is lethal. However, it also includes working at becoming intertwined emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, financially, and socially etc. You see, that which you 'leave' needs to find it's own counterpart in the new relationship. Leaving home means you build a new 'home'. Leaving emotionally creates the need to establish new and deep emotional ties with each other. Leaving spiritually means building new spiritual depth together etc. This all requires long term commitment, which is not popular, but is worth it. In America, in the late 80's, 5,232 married adults were interviewed. Of these, 645 reported being unhappily married. Astoundingly, when those 645 people were interviewed 5 years later, 2/3 of those who had stayed together reported now being happily married. Whereas only 19% of those who had separated or divorced reported themselves as being happy. Cleaving means taking marriage vows seriously! To actually mean it when one says, 'I ... Do take you ... to be my lawful wedded husband/wife. I promise that I will be to you a loyal and devoted husband/wife. I will care for you in sickness and in health, and share with you times of joy and sorrow. I will be by your side in times of prosperity and adversity, and will forsake all others until God shall separate us by death.' When these kind of vows are taken seriously, then 'personal attaching' is likely to happen, and the second of the creation foundation stones will fall into place, and experiencing the natural bond with your spouse, has a chance to surface.

Becoming One
Although this primarily points towards sexual relations, it is not exclusively about sex. In fact, as the sexual act brings a man and a woman together physically, it is a great reminder of the fuller range of togetherness which is needed for sexual activity to be more than just physical. As the creation passage tells us, 'the man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame'. Here we see self and mutual acceptance which does not come easily to us, and an intimacy which is much more than sex and nudity. This kind of intimacy requires trust, vulnerability, and honest emotional expression which leads to mutual acceptance, and a deep sense of closeness. Sexual activity does not create these things. They are the product of knowing yourself and your partner, and learning how to communicate, feel vulnerable, deal with fears, resentments, unforgiveness, outstanding issues, and struggling self-esteem. The degree that sexual activity is expected without such intimacy, to that degree it will dissatisfy and be an ongoing source of difficulty. In other words, for sexual oneness to richly enhance a relationship, there is much non-sexual intimacy that a person needs to grow in. This takes time, humility, determination, trust, and much effort to build. Too often couples think that the first flush of attraction will be a continuous experience, and don't plan nor work towards developing intimacy beyond the physical, and then wonder why the relationship founders. Becoming one is more than sharing a surname or a bed. It is not sharing all that you have, but all that you are with each other. That is the third foundation stone that will bring into experience the essential God-designed bond between husband and wife, and storm-proof the marriage.

Conclusion:
My view is that all the bible reading, prayer, and church attendance in the world will not help a marriage blossom or possibly even survive, unless they help a person grow in their ability to leave, cleave, and become one. That is, at the very least, work out family of origin issues, take marriage vows seriously, and builds non-sexual intimacy. Where this is not done, married Christians are just as vulnerable as married non-Christians. Where it is done, they can lead to an incredible marriage. Fortunately, the Christian has a tremendous advantage. The non-Christian does not have the resources of God at their disposal, nor the indwelling Holy Spirit, nor the experience of forgiveness and non-judgmental acceptance by God, to help inspire, empower, and direct. Unfortunately however, this also means that the Christian has far less excuse for a dissatisfying or ruined marriage. In fact if you are a Christian, I can think of no good reason why you cannot be one of the 1 or 2 out of 10 marriages who have something so special they wouldn't swap it for quids - the discovery of an unbreakable oneness that storm-proofs a marriage, and makes it all work, just as God intended.

Blessings

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