Repairing Relationships
Sermon Review
15 October 2000
Reading - Phil.4:2-4
I wonder how many times you have had to spend time, money, and effort to repair your car? We might grumble and complain, but because we need a car we have it repaired. In like manner, because relationships can and do breakdown, and have far more serious repercussions in our lives than the inconvenience and cost of car repairs do, you would think that people would be quick to repair them. The truth is that they are not. Why not? I am sure that the reasons are many and varied eg. easier to ignore the problem and hope that it will go away, pride, too painful to try, unforgiveness, poor communication skills, anger, out of sight, out of mind etc.
The problem is though, relationships are the heart of the church and Christian witness. They make or break the quality of church life for they are the heart of Community. People are intentionally saved 'into' community so that in practice they can grow in relationships with God and others. Refusal to do either grieves the Spirit. Many Christians today do what Stephen accused the religious authorities of his day doing Acts. 7:51; Eph.4:30. We too easily forget that ‘Love' is one of the key signs that a person’s Christianity is real and authentic eg. 1John.3:14.
Philippian Situation
3:18 – 4:2 clearly indicate that the Philippians were to ‘stand firm in the Lord’ despite ‘enemies of the cross’, because they had ‘heavenly citizenship’. Standing firm meant dealing with such issues as divisions and disagreements. This was particularly pertinent due to a public disagreement between two friends and fellow workers who had fought for the spread of the gospel with Paul – Euodia & Syntyche. I wonder if it brought back memories of his bitter disagreement with Barnabas over Mark? Acts.15:39 . Unfortunately, the disagreement was so bad that a third party was asked to intervene and help them. If you or I were either Euodia & Syntyche, I wonder if we would have handled the disagreement better? How do you normally handle disagreements? Is one of the three most used methods yours?
- The Withdrawer: The repertoire of the withdrawer includes, stop talking, storm off in a huff, retire hurt, become resentful, become depressed, sulk, give the cold shoulder, say cutting things about them later, move to a ‘business only’ level, stop caring about them, cross them off your list of friends or business associates. Do they sound familiar? Withdrawing can be helpful if you need some distance to work out a healthy way of handling the problem. Mostly it is not used this way.
- The Suppressor: The repertoire of the suppressor includes, acting as if nothing is the matter, ploughing on regardless, putting up with it for the sake of peace, scolding themselves afterwards for being so upset, using charm to get their own way, saying nothing at the time but scheming later, bottling up all their bad feelings - this is dangerous stuff. Suppression is rarely, if ever helpful, unless it is short term as the situation does not allow for expression of your feelings etc
- The Combatant: The repertoire of this person is many and varied eg. sets out to prove the other person is wrong, sulks until the other person changes their mind, shouts them down, turns physically violent, refuses to take no for an answer, lays down the law, tries to outsmart them, calls in allies to back them up, demands that the other person gives in to save the relationship. The win/lose approach is often used by those too insecure to handle the pain of being wrong. They turn disagreements into power struggle so they can feel good about themselves.
A Healthy alternative To Repairing Relationships:
There are 4 key issues to consider :
- Willingness: Paul entreats the two involved to deal with their disagreement. In order to do so requires willingness on their part. It is the same for us. Rom.12:18 ‘In so far as it depends on you…’ Seneca once said, ‘a quarrel is quickly settled by one party; there is no battle unless there be two’. Prov.26:20
- Communication: Eph.4:15 ‘Instead, speaking the truth in love…’ If the two women involved refused to talk out their problem, then nothing can be achieved. As in all relationships, communication is the key. No speakee, no fixee. The person who will not share, constantly runs the risk of being misunderstood.
- Forgiveness: Paul exhorts the women to ‘agree in the Lord’ ie. to deal with their disagreement in a way that pleases Him, to shape their intentions by what He says ie. Matt.26:23,24 ‘gift/altar’; Eph.4:29-32 ‘ Don’t let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth…’ Forgiveness involves relinquishing your right to pay back.
- Forbearance: Eph.4:2 ‘bear with one another in love’. We need to accept the foibles and idiosyncrasies of others, remembering that we have clay feet also. Some people are so thin skinned that every thing becomes a personal slight. People are so varied in personality and background.
Conclusion
Euodia & Syntyche had a lot to learn about willingness, communication, forgiveness, and forbearance. Despite being ‘long in the Lord’, they were short on applying the words of Jesus, ‘Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God’. "Children of God" points to position; ‘sons’ points to character. Like father like son! God’s heart is gripped by bringing peace where there is none eg. the cross!
The greatest application of ‘peace making’ is encouraging others to come to Christ. But it also includes being a peacemaker in all our relationships. He who will not cultivate a willingness to communicate, forgive, forbear, and resolve relationship difficulties, may be a child of God, but not a son or daughter of God. Agreeing in the Lord means avoiding the tactics of the withdrawer, the suppressor, and the Combatant.
If you sense discomforts, tensions, misunderstandings, or experience minor relational incidents, deal with them God’s way before they escalate, and avoid Euodia's & Syntyche’s sad example. Take a few minutes to seek God’s forgiveness and grace this morning where you have been dealing with relationships your way and not God’s. Ask yourself if there are any relationships you need to repair this morning, this day, this week? Set them right and be a son or a daughter, not simply a child of God.
Blessings