Healthy Boundaries In
Community
Sermon Summary
11 June 2000
Reading - Eph 4:15-24
When I was a child I lived for a while in Cairns. Where we lived we were surrounded by Tropical jungle - the sort suited to imagination and games. My brothers and I spent long hours playing all sorts of games amongst it. We had heaps of fun, but there were also dangers - watery patches like quicksand was one of them. Wisely, in order to have fun, we learnt to avoid these sections.
In the same way, there are certain dangers we must learn to avoid, if we are to enjoy close, intimate relationships that are fundamental to Christian Community.
Society around about us is not particularly safe, but the church must be! Under the Mosaic law, there were to be established 3 Cities of Refuge on both the eastern and western sides of the Jordan. These 6 cities were to provide temporary asylum for the person who accidentally killed another so that avenging relatives would temper their response, and so the person could receive a fair and just hearing.
In New Testament times, the church has taken the image of a city of refuge where all persons can find forgiveness and acceptance in Christ and with Christians. In times of crisis, war, turmoil, the church is often sought for refuge and help. It is especially important then that safety be found, and not further mistreatment and abuse. If any group of people should offer safety, it should be those who make up the church. It is sad that there have been times when this 'safety' has been violated by some amongst those who should be the most trustworthy and safe to be with.
I guess the problem is twofold: a. not all persons in the church know Jesus Christ. (cf. tares & the wheat) b. Christians still wrestle with their sin nature - they are not perfect. (Rom.7:19,20); they are being progressively perfected through faith, obedience, and the work of the Spirit. This means that certain precautions need to be taken, boundaries need to be accepted, guidelines need to be observed so that no opportunity is given for inappropriate behaviour that can ruin the best attempts to cultivate close Christian community.
Helpful Guidelines
Family Relationships
First and foremost Christians should see themselves as a family - 1Pet.3:8,9; Gal.6:10; Rom.12:10. As family, they should relate to one another as family members - 1Tim.5:1,2; Mk.10:29. e.g. Older men as fathers; younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, younger women as sisters.
We should not see each other as competitors; targets for our hurt, pain, anger; subjects to manipulate to our own ends; obstructions to be removed etc. Therefore, caution is needed between members of the opposite sex! Married persons exercise integrity; singles remember God's guidelines for relationships; try not to be alone with children, or counselling opposite sex behind closed doors etc. We need to not only do what is right, but also be seen to do what is right Rom.12:17.
Respect Privacy
We want to aim at deepening relationships, but no one has the right to ride roughshod over another's desire to remain distant or aloof. Love does not invade. Instead it caringly reaches out & offers itself. God is a gentleman - so should we be.
Allow others the right to say yes or no
Too often the non-assertive person cannot say no when they need to - they are too easily manipulated. Needy people often give beyond what is wise. Willingness is often abused. People need to be encouraged to know their own mind, and to voice it. Rich relationships require it! Instead of attempting to manipulate, induce guilt, or turn on the charm, use prayer, ''gentle' persuasion, and acceptance!
Keep confidences
Trust is essential. If you want something kept private, then say so. If you are not sure, ask!
Avoid triangles
When someone you know is upset with another, don't join ranks. Be friends with both and resist being drawn into taking sides.
Use sensible defences
Because we are all human beings, things can be said and done which hurt and are regretful. Too often pride, fear, anger, prejudice, or worldliness, selfishness, and even ignorance can come out in spiteful and hurtful ways. Need to avoid two traps: a. building such thick defences that they imprison us and avoid forgiveness. b. being so vulnerable and transparent that every hurt becomes a mortal wound. We need to be flexible and sensible.
Conclusion
Community requires that we must be wise as serpents and as innocent as doves. It requires putting of our old self, and putting on the new self. Spirituality and above all forgiveness and love are needed. The struggles of the early church warn us that building the unity which Christ wants in His body the church, is not easy eg. The Corinthian, Galatian, and the Ephesian churches demonstrate this fact quite compellingly. Yet Christ is quite clear on what He desires.
The work of making a church a 'community' is not the work of one, but the work of the many Eph.4:16. We all need to work at it.
Boundaries are simply wise precautionary safeguards to help provide an environment which can be safe, therapeutic, and a deeply satisfying experience. If we know how to avoid quicksand, then we are silly if we don't!
Blessings